| Thanks everybody for supporting and loving me.
I mean this from the bottom of my heart, I owe you guys my life. If it wasn't for you, I don't know where I'd be, but I don't want to ever find out, so thank you <3
We met up and spoke last night, for about an hour and a half.
He said that on last Monday, he just suddenly fell out of love with me. He doesn't know how or why, but he stopped being attracted to me, he no longer loved me 'like that' and he just didn't want to do it anymore, he was 'sick and tired' of it.
I can't say that I completely understand, because everything had been going SO good up to that point. We hadn't fought at all in about a month, but whatever. He had to do what was right for him, and I really do wish him all the best, he really does deserve it.
We said we'll always be best friends, and call me naive, but I really do believe it. We have a seven year history as a couple, but an 8-9 year history as best friends, and in the end, that's what matters. Yes, I know how hard it will be, but what would life be if you just ran away from the hard stuff?
It really does hurt so deeply, because this is the man I imagined I would be with for the rest of my life. He was the man I pictured as my fiance, my husband, the father of my children. From the very first time I saw him, on my old block in Brooklyn, so many years ago, I knew I would love him for the rest of my life.
And, I will. No matter who else comes into my life, who else I date, or even marry, Jonathan is, and always will be my first love. He is the one who taught me what love is, who taught me how to give myself to somebody so completely and so fully, and to do whatever it takes to make them happy.
We have so many amazing memories, but none more amazing than the ones we made just three weeks ago on our weekend getaway. I never got a chance to show you guys the pictures, and I think I'm finally feeling strong enough to share a few:
Those are my three favorites. They remind me of how happy we were, how so much in love with each other, and how extremely grateful I am to have felt that, even if I've now lost it.
Most importantly, we have a beautiful godson, who means the world to both of us, and that alone, I know, will bond us together forever. I know, that as much as he's hurt me, he'd never turn his back on this baby. I never got a chance to show you guys the pics from the Baptism either, so:
It was a beautiful day, one I will always look back on and smile.
I'm doing so much better today than I was at the beginning of the week, and I have to believe that it'll keep getting easier. I have to believe that God knows what He's doing, and that whatever is meant to be, will be.
Jonathan has an amazing life in front of him, and I will be more than proud and happy to be able to be by his side as his friend as he accomplishes all of his goals.
I will never regret the times we spent together, even when things were at their very worst. He made me a better, stronger person, and I only hope I had a positive impact on his life. We loved each other deeply, probably more than I will ever be able to love again, but, like they say, all good things come to an end.
As for me, I see this as a new chapter in my life. Sure, I'd much rather have him at my side, as my lover, my friend, my everything. I guess it was dumb of me to have my entire life planned out at 13, but it was amazing while it lasted. I am grateful for every smile we shared, every touch in the dark, every word spoken. He saved my life, literally, seven years ago, and I will be forever debted to him.
I now have to face life alone, for the first time in my adult life. I have to grow my own back bone and learn to rely on myself to make the right decisions for me. I spent seven years of my life caring for another person, putting him before myself, and now I have to learn how to care about me again.
I wouldn't take any of that back, however. I loved cooking for him, taking care of him when he was sick, trying to make him laugh while he was sad. For a moment, I knew what it was to share my life with another person, I just wish I had seen this coming. Maybe, I would have been a little more grateful for the time we did spend together, maybe I wouldn't have taken his love so for granted, thinking he'd always be there, if we had a fight, we'd always make up, if I wasn't in a good mood today, there was always tomorrow.
I think he knows that I will always forgive him anything, I don't have room in my heart to hate, no matter how much I'm hurting, I have no time for vindictiveness or 'revenge'.
Tomorrow I will clean my room and place all of our material memories in a box, and keep it some place safe. I refuse to get rid of them, because then it will be like it never happened, and I don't want to pretend it didn't. It did, and it was a HUGE part of my life for a very, very long time.
I will never forget the way he smelled when he came home from work, or his morning crankiness, or the way his eyes lit up when he was truly happy.
This is my life now, and I have no choice but to accept it, because I refuse to lay down and die. I take so much joy in the fact that for a time, he loved me, that I had this amazing person in my life who truly loved me, and I know he did. As many hard times as we had, I know he loved me at one time.
I won't lie to you guys. If he was to come to me and say he wants to try again, I'd say yes in a heartbeat, because I believe in my love for him that much, I believe if we tried, we could make it good again. I won't hold my breath, however, and I won't sit waiting by the phone. If it happens, it happens, and I ask all of you to support me no matter what, because you know that's what I'd do for you.
So, this is my goodbye to the "us" that existed for seven years. The "us" that we just celebrated, and the "us" that will always have a special place in my heart.
Kristin And Jonathan. 9.23.98 - 10.16.05.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Verse 2
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
Chorus
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Verse 3
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive
Chorus
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Chorus
I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
"Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. It was our first testament of love to each other. The song that perfectly described our relationship at the time, the song we'd sing to each other in whispers, the song we'd call each other up to listen to if it came on the radio when we were apart. The song we said we'd dance to at our wedding, the first song that was on that mixed tape you made me April 24, 1999.
I've given every moment I had
Still I can never seem to keep up with you
You're done with one mile, and on to another one thousand
Still I could never seem to keep up with you
I know you'll be better off without me when I'm gone
You know you're beautiful
You're beautiful
[Chorus]
Shine on
You were made to shine on
and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends I'll be with you till the very end
Shine on
You were made to
It's keeping me awake everynight
But I can never seem to give up on you
I send up a prayer and I'm on to another one thousand
But I can never seem to give up on you
I know you'll be better off without me when I'm gone
You know you're beautiful
You're beautiful
[Chorus]
Shine on
You were made to shine on
and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends I'll be with you till the very end
Shine on
You were made to
Nobody's wrong
Nobody's right
Keep moving on
Shine on
You were made to shine on
[Chorus]
Shine on
You were made to shine on
and you know I love you
even if we can or can't be friends
You're gonna be better than you've ever been so
Shine on
You're gonna be just fine
You're gonna be alright love
You're gonna be just fine
You're gonna be alright love
"Shine On" by Ryan Cabrera. The song I will now listen to for strength.
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